I wander in thought all the time and the other day I drifted off more than usual, only to come up with a crazy theory in my wild thoughts -- every one of us is made of two people, who are each made of two other people.
To say we, as humans, are made of just two halves, is really oversimplifying how complex we really are. Our parents are made of our grandparents, so it's safe to say we're pretty much made up of our grandparents, for better or for worse.
My four parts are simple enough, yet lead me to who I am today:
A coward for the wrong reasons
A personable yet heinous alcoholic
A wise, staunch individual
A passionate, loyal firecracker
And there you have it, folks. That's me in a very rolled up nutshell. Take a look at your grandparents - they hold they key to your doing... and undoing. Yet another reason why grandparents are awesome.
Paging Doctor LOL
It all started in October.
An estranged relative of life (herein referred to as EROL) contacted me after 30 years of absence. Of course, curiosity got the best of me and despite my mother's warnings, I satisfied my curiosity.
(Disclaimer: I will use the pronoun "they" incorrectly from here on out to avoid specifying gender.... and because I'm just too darn lazy to keep typing "his/hers, he/ she, him/her".)
So back to the story......
EROL contacted me and almost immediately was altogether too open with me, sharing details of their life and as well as details of our shared genetic history. I was keen to read, and listen to, all of these tales because they are ultimately a part of me, which is also ultimately quite unfortunate.
We shared some time together; it was a nice time and though I will be bold and speak for the both of us, I know for a fact that EROL enjoyed it too.
After the holidays passed, I found myself at a fork in the road. EROL was expecting for me to be family to them, with regular visits included, while all along I was still trying to place EROL in my life in addition to all the baggage they brought back in. I took a few steps back. I suppose that I needed time to absorb it all, and in the meanwhile, learn how to deal with these new family expectations that were really never demanded of me before.
A few months pass.
One day, EROL and I have a disagreement on a social networking forum.
Ever since the holidays and the significant distance I had made between us in that time period - the messages on said social network had become increasingly hostile and challenging, At first I thought EROL was trying to mess with me; I took it as sarcasm. Slowly but surely, though, I realized that EROL was clearly upset with me ... most likely because of my sudden and "unexplained" cessation of visits. (If you were paying attention, I already explained it.)
The same evening as the disagreement, EROL happens to ask about my blogs (which you are reading) and asks if I am the author. Since EROL is fairly intelligent. I assume ( NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!) that they are capable enough of handling what I deliver, so I proudly take credit for my writings.
Fast forward a few weeks.
I get an email from EROL, just barely 6 months after initial contact, stating they could no longer be in communication with me because of the dark nature of my blogs. My blogs.
Seriously? I can't even begin to say what came through my mind. At first I admit I as angry, because I felt EROL was judging me out of context. Thankfully for me, however, I can think further than the average bear.
EROL could have cared less about my blogs. They simply chose an easy target to release me of my duties, because they clearly saw that I just "wasn't that into them". Sometimes it's just that simple.
I never really did read the last vile email that EROL write to me.... it was just too darn dense and abusive to really dig too deep into it.
I know, because others have read it, that EROL advises I see some type of specialist to address my dark side (or something along those lines.)
Oh EROL, you're so crazy. If you think I need a doctor, then you're ready for a straightjacket.
The bottom line is, EROL felt my distance and decided that they had to be the ones to set the partition, whether or not it was logical, just so they can feel in the right. So they chose an easy target...... my super cynical blogs. (Blogs! They're not even real!)
All I know is that EROL is insane enough to condemn me for my blogs and still have an RSS subscription to it.
So, I part with simple words. Paging Doctor LOL, stat.
Reeling in the years, stowing away the time
Well, now.
It's been a while since my mind has been able to unleash - it's been well over a year - so there's a whole lot of congestion in there. Thanks to some smart and well written blogs that I have had the pleasure of reading recently, I got [sort of] inspired.
It's pretty late so I'll keep it concise.
So here we are. It's the year TWENTY TEN. That doesn't even sound right, does it? We're in the future! How the hell did that happen?
(On a side note, wtf is 2000-2009 going to be called? The zeros? The 2000s? It's so awkward!)
We're only five years away from the "future" in "Back to the Future Part II"!! Sorry for the dorky reference, I know some people will understand why it's so traumatizing. (I can write a whole thesis on the subject!)
I entered the first decade of this century at 21, and came out swinging at 31. I'd have to say the theme for these fine ten years of my life can be summed up in one word: adulthood.
Life's going to slap you in the face, over and over again. It's inevitable! Bad news, deaths, bills, betrayals, lies, secrets ... all that drama you have to hate but love to know.
You either gotta grow up and deal with reality or you can be a big baby and run away and cry a river ... thus ensuring that you will be just as ill-equipped to deal with your next life trial.
Right up until the very last days of December '09 there were lessons for me to learn and grow from. It always sucks in the moment [and sometimes I WILL throw child-like tantrums] but it's worth the torment if I walk away stronger and sharper.
Hindsight it 20/20, my darlings - I think mine is 20/10. Unfortunately for me, my foresight has major astigmatism.
My betterment is my #1 priority in the first one-third of this year.
It's been a while since my mind has been able to unleash - it's been well over a year - so there's a whole lot of congestion in there. Thanks to some smart and well written blogs that I have had the pleasure of reading recently, I got [sort of] inspired.
It's pretty late so I'll keep it concise.
So here we are. It's the year TWENTY TEN. That doesn't even sound right, does it? We're in the future! How the hell did that happen?
(On a side note, wtf is 2000-2009 going to be called? The zeros? The 2000s? It's so awkward!)We're only five years away from the "future" in "Back to the Future Part II"!! Sorry for the dorky reference, I know some people will understand why it's so traumatizing. (I can write a whole thesis on the subject!)
I entered the first decade of this century at 21, and came out swinging at 31. I'd have to say the theme for these fine ten years of my life can be summed up in one word: adulthood.
Life's going to slap you in the face, over and over again. It's inevitable! Bad news, deaths, bills, betrayals, lies, secrets ... all that drama you have to hate but love to know.
You either gotta grow up and deal with reality or you can be a big baby and run away and cry a river ... thus ensuring that you will be just as ill-equipped to deal with your next life trial.
Right up until the very last days of December '09 there were lessons for me to learn and grow from. It always sucks in the moment [and sometimes I WILL throw child-like tantrums] but it's worth the torment if I walk away stronger and sharper.
Hindsight it 20/20, my darlings - I think mine is 20/10. Unfortunately for me, my foresight has major astigmatism.
My betterment is my #1 priority in the first one-third of this year.
revolution!
Well, well, well. Here I was thinking that the liberals were the detriment of politics (hell, of all society), when in reality, they are actually an integral part of it (of both). Yeah, I may not like the way they think but at least they have some logical points to make; they believe in the system we live under... which may not be perfect but it's better than most.
If you don't agree, please feel free to pack up and leave at any time. Seeing that we have an immigration problem, the best thing to do would be to eliminate anyone who bitches and moans about this country's government and the "atrocities" it commits.
But... wait... there's this thing called "freedom of speech" here. So you can take a shit on the president's picture and wipe your ass with the flag and you're ok to stay.
Yet... you complain anyway. Because you can! Right? Right.
I read something written by a straight-edge, atheist, vegan anarchist and I actually sat back in my chair and shuddered. I can only liken the author of this lovely passage to an educated white-supremacist or otherwise authoritative hate-spreader. When people are stupid and filled with hate, it's funny. When they're intelligent and filled with hate, it's scary.
It caught my eye because he was arguing a point that "getting into the government" won't change the systems, because once you're in, the power corrupts you. He made the point of communism - how promises are made - and once the presidency is won - the power goes to the head and the promises go out the window.
"Anarchy is order", he says.
So instead of paying taxes, he would propose that I (and every other hard worker out there) give my hard-earned money to the social causes of food and healthcare. But if food and healthcare were free, why would anyone work? Wouldn't everyone just quit their jobs and go get their monthly food handouts every month from the government? No, because that would be CUBA.
Besides, anarchy means "no rule" - so no government. So who would we turn to for food? Would we grow it? Who would provide the free healthcare? The village shaman? Because it's obvious that college degrees / professionals /et al. would cease to exist due to lack of interest and demand.
[The real problem is that these are working-class morons who want the perks of life and success without going through the proper channels. Sure life is unfair, but you work to make it fair. It doesn't just happen.]
This has given me reason to smile the next time someone says they're voting for Obama. At least they're VOTING! Long live capitalism.
Get a job.
fresh and familiar
My brother told me ages ago to open a blog here, but I never listened to him. It came to a point where I had forgotten all about his suggestions and found myself here one day reading someone else's writings. Next thing you know.. here I am .. with little brother in tow saying "I told you so." At least he's nicer about it than I would have ever been to him.
I decided to gather my favorite of favorites from other blogs and re-publish them here. Fun to read and sometimes even funny - always worth another [or a first] look.
And I'm here for now, so let the fun begin -- same ol' me in a brand new format.
People think that I'm an intolerant person. I'm actually not. Well, I am, but for all things stupid and lacking in any common sense. I'm also quite intolerant of my younger brother - but it's a sibling thing. It's nothing personal.
Overall, though, I have tons of endurance when it comes to physical pain, discomfort, and general malaise. I usually can get through sicknesses without going to a doctor, which isn't always the best policy. But hey... it's me.
I have had some ear problems for the past few days. I know I need to go see an ENT, but I'm not too thrilled. Meanwhile, after about 1 day or so of pain and itching, it all subsided to be replaced by a fucking incessant ringing, that, obviously, I only hear when things around me pipe down. It's like a fire alarm, only it's one steady, long, never-fucking ending pitch and it just beeeeeeeeps. I don't know how I haven't struck a coworker in a fit of frustration. Yet.
I'm going to go see the damned ENT by the end of the week, but after checking my symptoms on WebMD, it's nothing that dire. "Millions of people suffer from [ringing of the ears] and there's not much that doctors can do about it." Well, that's really fucking comforting! Thanks for the great news.
I know it isn't the worst thing in the world, but it's annoying as nails on a chalkboard. At least I can still hear through it.. for now.
Miracle Ear, here I come [in 20 years] !!
chompin
[written 2/25/08]
So so dirty, but we need it. Hell, at least I do. And I forget just how good it really feels to have some money in the bank because I'm such a broke-ass usually. I would like to thank the U.S. Treasury for giving me my amazing tax refund today, and making my week worth looking forward to. Thanks USA!
Hehehe. Anyway. Life still sucks when you have money... but somehow it sucks a little less when your stomach is full of delicious food and your bills are paid up.
I'll tell you now, I hate people, all of them, and it's hard for me to look at someone at not tear them down in my mind. Then I talk to them, and I feel guilty about judging them as harshly as I did a minute before.
Sometimes, of course, I don't feel any remorse, because my mental allegations are right on-point. in fact, this is more often than not, which feeds my chronic hatred even more.
There are so many variations of behaviors that get my blood fucking boiling. I think I should wear my headphones when I'm not planning to be in direct contact with anyone. The one thing I can't control is the way that the people close to me behave. I have to learn to never expect anything from anyone, so my panties don't get all tied up when I am disappointed by someone else... and ultimately avoid disappointment altogether because I just won't care anymore.
In 11th grade, I had an amazing history teacher, and he always had a key phrase written in the corner of his blackboard. It was perennial advice and was never erased throughout the school year. 3 words: TRUST NO ONE. I should have listened then. It would have saved me time and anguish.
self-actualization
[written 4/10/08]
That blog that I speak of was the first blog I ever wrote on Myspace, and I find it amusing that it's the first thing I ever felt like sharing with you Myspacers.
So what's the deal? This is the deal, the definition:
"What humans can be, they must be. They must be true to their own nature. This need we may call self-actualization".
Let it sink it. Read it again. "Whatever humans can be, they MUST be."
We can't stifle ourselves, that's for certain.
If we CAN do, then we should do. So long as the action doesn't hurt anyone or thing, then you're better off getting whatever you want to do our of your system, before it eats you alive. Or worse, you grow old and bitter because you suck and you never did what you wanted.
There are 4 areas of life that need to be taken care of in order to achieve total happiness.
Your physical needs - duh - if you don't pee or poop or sleep - you'll fucking die - so this is a little more dire than happiness. This stuff takes precedence.
Safety and stability- you can't be happy if you don't know how you're going to pay your bills, or if you move around alot, etc. Everyone wants to feel safe, period.
Love and social acceptance - if people aren't loved or accepted by society/peers etc., then we've got cases like Columbine et al. in our hands. Fuck that shit. Be kind to everyone, lest you be targeted for being a jerk.
Esteem and self acceptance - I say it all the time - if you don't feel good about yourself, then what do you have? Let's be straight.. you need to look in the mirror and feel like you're awesome. Its important for the soul.
Let's try to be happy in life, people. Let's make decisions for ourselves and not because of what others will think. It's all we can do, this is life.
i love you!
[written 7/24/07]
This has been brewing in my craw for weeks now, and I haven't had the urge or the time to get it down on paper. Um, ahem, virtual paper.
Why are people so careless with the word "love" and why is the phrase "I love you" seemingly disposable?
No one can really measure true love, when it begins, or how it is felt.
But love takes time. It grows and flourishes. It takes work and sacrifice and compromise. You don't know if you really love someone until the going gets tough. A handful of laughs and good times does not equate to love in my book, or in the fucking real world either.
Personally, I have been in love three times, and only said "I love you" when I really felt it, and after extended periods of pondering if it really was love at all.
Cue Whitesnake :
"...is this love.. that i'm feeling... is this the love that i've been searchin' for?"
Each time I have fallen has been deeper than the last, and often to my surprise. It makes me particularly wary of love, because the depth of the love one feels directly correlates to the pain felt for it.
Let's face it: everyone wants to be in love. I don't care you who are or who you think you are. People want love. People need it, as much as they need food and water.
However, too many people confuse true love with "fake love". What I mean by fake love is this ideal - and I read this in a book by genius Chuck Klosterman entitled Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs - fake love is that stuff that romantic comedy movies and TV sitcoms bank on.
It is contrived over and over again by smart producers and directors for the illogical masses; for the throngs of morons in this country who demand to see what they deem perfect and what they've concluded is their ultimate desire.
Let's face it again: In the pursuit of the above-mentioned fantasy, people jump into commitments for the wrong reasons, and undoubtedly shatter their lives by marrying or bringing a baby into the fold.
More often than not, the truth comes out. Real love survives any test... while forced, fake love finds the former lovebirds at each other's throats. Forever. Sounds like a terrible way to live.
So, if it comes down to being alone or sharing your life with someone you don't love for the sake of companionship, which would be wiser?
I know what would be best for me, so I'm not asking for advice. It's just food for thought.
This has been brewing in my craw for weeks now, and I haven't had the urge or the time to get it down on paper. Um, ahem, virtual paper.
Why are people so careless with the word "love" and why is the phrase "I love you" seemingly disposable?
No one can really measure true love, when it begins, or how it is felt.
But love takes time. It grows and flourishes. It takes work and sacrifice and compromise. You don't know if you really love someone until the going gets tough. A handful of laughs and good times does not equate to love in my book, or in the fucking real world either.
Personally, I have been in love three times, and only said "I love you" when I really felt it, and after extended periods of pondering if it really was love at all.
Cue Whitesnake :
"...is this love.. that i'm feeling... is this the love that i've been searchin' for?"Each time I have fallen has been deeper than the last, and often to my surprise. It makes me particularly wary of love, because the depth of the love one feels directly correlates to the pain felt for it.
Let's face it: everyone wants to be in love. I don't care you who are or who you think you are. People want love. People need it, as much as they need food and water.
However, too many people confuse true love with "fake love". What I mean by fake love is this ideal - and I read this in a book by genius Chuck Klosterman entitled Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs - fake love is that stuff that romantic comedy movies and TV sitcoms bank on.
It is contrived over and over again by smart producers and directors for the illogical masses; for the throngs of morons in this country who demand to see what they deem perfect and what they've concluded is their ultimate desire.
Let's face it again: In the pursuit of the above-mentioned fantasy, people jump into commitments for the wrong reasons, and undoubtedly shatter their lives by marrying or bringing a baby into the fold.
More often than not, the truth comes out. Real love survives any test... while forced, fake love finds the former lovebirds at each other's throats. Forever. Sounds like a terrible way to live.
So, if it comes down to being alone or sharing your life with someone you don't love for the sake of companionship, which would be wiser?
I know what would be best for me, so I'm not asking for advice. It's just food for thought.
euthanize the ignorant
[written 3/1/07]
I'm serious here, and you'll stop laughing when I preside over your sorry ass [when I rule the world] and execute you myself.
That's right. I'm planning my own holocaust, my own "ethnic cleansing" if you will, but instead of killing ethnic groups, I just killing the STUPID.
I'm not talking mentally disabled or otherwise physically limited. They can stay, because even these people who are stereotypically "dim" are worthier of life than the retards I'm about to discuss.
I'm talking JUST PLAIN STUPID.
This has nothing to do with IQ, spelling, grammar, intellect or education.
These are the people who make foolish decisions and/or continue to make the same mistakes (more than 3 or 4 times), and lead-lined morons who can't take a hint or are otherwise too arrogant to see their downfalls and limitations.
I am very patient with others, because as I have previously stated, I have come to sadly realize that very few people (I know about 3, maybe 4) are anywhere near as intelligent as I am.
I know that some people can't do more than what they are doing now, and since that's the best they can do, I accept it. A+ for effort.
I have been mistaken in the past, assuming others are actually smart and apply common (UNcommon actually, because the word itself alludes that EVERYONE has it) sense to everyday problems.
It's sad and infuriating, especially when I KNOW that people know better, and yet choose to play hapless victims to life's cruel ploys.
SPARE ME.
GROW UP.
If I could carry a sniper rifle around that would just be fucking awesome. But... since murder is pretty much against the law, it's all just fantasy. But what a dream - to never have to deal with another moron again - oh how that would just rock my world.
It's not me...
[written 8/1/06]
Why is it that when people don't like something that you have to say the automatically write it off as a character flaw of yours?? Look above this blog and you'll read my favorite line ever :
I've been accused of having PMS, and even been accused of "being on the rag" [very classy], but the truth of the matter is .. it's you that I don't like, motherfucker! It's got nothing to do with the female biological functions.
Unless I'm at work, I am very guarded. I don't believe in letting strangers into my life "just because". Everyone close to me has proved to be worthy and earned my trust. I don't just give myself away. No one should.. but I can't control anyone else's actions. I can only worry about me.
"You're so negative, Cristina..", you say.
And you know what I say to you? Phooey. I'm realistic. If I was so negative, I wouldn't appreciate the little things that life gives us.
The only thing I know for sure is that you can't trust anyone completely. I don't care who they are.. family, friends, lovers. I don't care. People lie. Don't kid yourself hon. It's the truth.
I have always said there are only two sides to everything - the black and the white. VERY rarely is there a gray area. I'm not saying it doesn't exist at all. I'm just saying it's not as prevalent as people would prefer it to be.
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